the puzzle that can be named is not the true puzzle. but there is a puzzle. there’s something you haven’t understood. there’s pieces you’re missing and you can’t see the whole picture. there’s something you’ve been looking for but you don’t know what it is. there’s something you need to put together but you don’t know how. there’s something you need to slide into the right configuration that isn’t there yet. there’s something that isn’t quite right, that doesn’t quite fit. there is a puzzle.
this is one of those posts that only makes sense at 2 AM when you're alone and can't sleep.
i realize that as i type that, it sounds somewhat more like an insult than a compliment, but i only say that because i've been there myself, at 2 am, wondering about the puzzle without a name, because you really only become aware of the existence of the puzzle and that something, somewhere went wrong, when your life is the life of a person that can't sleep through no fault of their own. exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make people happy, and well i suppose endorphins also make it harder to sleep as well, but then again, happy people don't receive tough questions from god in the middle of the night.
it's certainly possible to be aware of your flaws and your misperceptions when you're awake and sober, but something about realizing you're out of place, something about becoming aware of this inherently self-recursive, quicksand-like state of "something went wrong somewhere and i don't know what", just hits that much harder when it's dark outside and your body's adenosine receptors are receptoring something other than adenosine. it's probably the first time you've ever had to confront truths that have been unconfronted for a long time. insomnia impairs the body in a lot of ways, and in such a state, the power running through the defense mechanisms you built around your fears, insecurities, and self-serving lies goes on the fritz.
of course it hurts, and of course the questions don't go away the next morning. and of course simply being aware of problems doesn't suddenly make you an expert at solving them. and of course simply having a new perspective on yourself, of gaining new information about yourself you weren't aware of but everyone else sort of knew the whole time, isn't always a good thing either. and maybe you have to go through a lot of shit before you find the answer. and maybe you still haven't found the answer.
but maybe it's a first step.
(and for the record, i also realize after typing this that intentionally using your writing style for this comment could be seen as mocking or insulting, so let me say that wasn't my intent. i do concede that other people might consider this kind of no-caps stream of consciousness stuff embarrassing and weird, in which case, i guess we can be embarrassing and weird on the internet together. one could certainly do worse.)
I appreciate that comment, more than you know. Thanks.
(There's a little bit of backstory to this that I don't quite 100% feel comfortable sharing publicly on the internet, even under a pseudo-pseudonym, but even though you don't know me personally, I know you- or at least I know of you, and owe you something a little bit of a debt. You're under no obligation to do so, but if you are comfortable with me sending you an email, twitter dm, or other communication, I would be happy to tell my story in more detail.)
this is one of those posts that only makes sense at 2 AM when you're alone and can't sleep.
i realize that as i type that, it sounds somewhat more like an insult than a compliment, but i only say that because i've been there myself, at 2 am, wondering about the puzzle without a name, because you really only become aware of the existence of the puzzle and that something, somewhere went wrong, when your life is the life of a person that can't sleep through no fault of their own. exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make people happy, and well i suppose endorphins also make it harder to sleep as well, but then again, happy people don't receive tough questions from god in the middle of the night.
it's certainly possible to be aware of your flaws and your misperceptions when you're awake and sober, but something about realizing you're out of place, something about becoming aware of this inherently self-recursive, quicksand-like state of "something went wrong somewhere and i don't know what", just hits that much harder when it's dark outside and your body's adenosine receptors are receptoring something other than adenosine. it's probably the first time you've ever had to confront truths that have been unconfronted for a long time. insomnia impairs the body in a lot of ways, and in such a state, the power running through the defense mechanisms you built around your fears, insecurities, and self-serving lies goes on the fritz.
of course it hurts, and of course the questions don't go away the next morning. and of course simply being aware of problems doesn't suddenly make you an expert at solving them. and of course simply having a new perspective on yourself, of gaining new information about yourself you weren't aware of but everyone else sort of knew the whole time, isn't always a good thing either. and maybe you have to go through a lot of shit before you find the answer. and maybe you still haven't found the answer.
but maybe it's a first step.
(and for the record, i also realize after typing this that intentionally using your writing style for this comment could be seen as mocking or insulting, so let me say that wasn't my intent. i do concede that other people might consider this kind of no-caps stream of consciousness stuff embarrassing and weird, in which case, i guess we can be embarrassing and weird on the internet together. one could certainly do worse.)
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery man! thank you, love this
I appreciate that comment, more than you know. Thanks.
(There's a little bit of backstory to this that I don't quite 100% feel comfortable sharing publicly on the internet, even under a pseudo-pseudonym, but even though you don't know me personally, I know you- or at least I know of you, and owe you something a little bit of a debt. You're under no obligation to do so, but if you are comfortable with me sending you an email, twitter dm, or other communication, I would be happy to tell my story in more detail.)
twitter DMs are great, fire away man!