I’m tempted to say that for the last three months, after catching COVID in Berlin and ignominiously fleeing back to Bellevue, I’ve been doing “nothing.” What “nothing” is a cover for, in more detail, is: studiously ignoring my messages, watching nine seasons of NCIS, playing video games I promised myself I would quit, and developing strong opinions about gaming Youtubers.
I think it's very important for people who have spare capacity to use it to help their family, friends, and community. The reality, though, is that we all go through periods in our lives when we don't have any capacity to spare - when we need support instead of providing support to others. This isn't shameful. Take care.
I'm glad that you are still in touch with your childhood. My only criticism of this post is that perhaps you have not thought deeply enough about why the Pokémon world was comforting to you. Is childhood nostalgia all there is? There was a lot of thought and love that went into these games and I think we would never be able to completely unearth all the hidden meaning in such a rich intellectual property if we were willing to take it seriously.
I did go through a brief season of re-enchantment with Pokémon, making it my ambition to retcon Pokémon into a hard sci-fi. Here's how far I got. The first Pokémon must have been Dittos, which then diverged into all the other Pokémon species. Pokémon are made of a kind of matter that is different from normal matter, but interacts with it. A new species of Pokémon begins when a Ditto remains in a new form for long enough that it can't go back. Why would a Ditto ever do that? Something to do with the energy source that Dittos eat and some adaptive advantage to a particular form in a particular environment, I was on my way to formulating an answer to the question, and then decided to drop the matter.
How do we judge an activity to be a waste of time? Perhaps only God knows. Here's a story that illustrates that idea.
That last paragraph eloquently captures a source of ennui & dread I've found creeping into my hobbies & interests. At heart, I still enjoy video games, but that I'm always plagued down by the encircling shame of acedia e.g. wasting time, screwing my future self over. Now in lieu of gaming directly, I've ended up watching more Let's Plays and gaming challenges. Part of me revels in witnessing the works of these unashamed gamers, pushing the limits of their genre or just sharing their pure enjoyment in a parasocial manner with me. But a similar flavor of shame mixed with envy arises for those same reasons. Part of me wishfully hopes that if I do enough "meaningful" work elsewhere, or more practically have some perspective shift, I can find a better equilibrium.
I have also developed a habit of watching Let's Plays for comfort (namely PlayFrame) for maybe an hour each day. I felt seen by this post in every way.
I feel a twinge of shame in some part of my soul that the time could be better spent. But also, it feels so wholesome, and fills me with so much comfort. It feels unambiguously good outside of the fact that it is not "productive".
That is so wild, some mental phantasm put the thought into my head to Google “Qiaochu” just as a random memory of a middle school classmate, then I saw there’s actually articles written about your “break with reality” and now I’ve found your sub stack. Love the content man.
next time, go watch some rants by luke smith instead. you don't even have to open youtube for that! videos.lukesmith.xyz he is very judgmental, but he gets a lot of stuff right, so i think you will like him.
don't be too hard on yourself. just stop sinning - it's difficult, but possible. so keep your heads up, mate i think you're on the right track. stay honest! i wish you all the best!
Life is pointless, but we only get one life - at least that we know of in this life - so before it's over we can either do a load of cool stuff or not do a load of cool stuff. Goal-setting is a great way to make cool stuff happen. Another really effective tool, is just to do the next right thing. Right now, and at every moment, just make one good choice right now.
I think it's very important for people who have spare capacity to use it to help their family, friends, and community. The reality, though, is that we all go through periods in our lives when we don't have any capacity to spare - when we need support instead of providing support to others. This isn't shameful. Take care.
I'm glad that you are still in touch with your childhood. My only criticism of this post is that perhaps you have not thought deeply enough about why the Pokémon world was comforting to you. Is childhood nostalgia all there is? There was a lot of thought and love that went into these games and I think we would never be able to completely unearth all the hidden meaning in such a rich intellectual property if we were willing to take it seriously.
I did go through a brief season of re-enchantment with Pokémon, making it my ambition to retcon Pokémon into a hard sci-fi. Here's how far I got. The first Pokémon must have been Dittos, which then diverged into all the other Pokémon species. Pokémon are made of a kind of matter that is different from normal matter, but interacts with it. A new species of Pokémon begins when a Ditto remains in a new form for long enough that it can't go back. Why would a Ditto ever do that? Something to do with the energy source that Dittos eat and some adaptive advantage to a particular form in a particular environment, I was on my way to formulating an answer to the question, and then decided to drop the matter.
How do we judge an activity to be a waste of time? Perhaps only God knows. Here's a story that illustrates that idea.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leaf_by_Niggle
I love you, you are me, and also millions of other men.
That last paragraph eloquently captures a source of ennui & dread I've found creeping into my hobbies & interests. At heart, I still enjoy video games, but that I'm always plagued down by the encircling shame of acedia e.g. wasting time, screwing my future self over. Now in lieu of gaming directly, I've ended up watching more Let's Plays and gaming challenges. Part of me revels in witnessing the works of these unashamed gamers, pushing the limits of their genre or just sharing their pure enjoyment in a parasocial manner with me. But a similar flavor of shame mixed with envy arises for those same reasons. Part of me wishfully hopes that if I do enough "meaningful" work elsewhere, or more practically have some perspective shift, I can find a better equilibrium.
It takes something special to stab me in the heart. This post did that. Thank you? Or damn you or something
you're welcome and i'm sorry!
It's hard for me to figure out if this is satire or not... but nonetheless I loved it. Keep writing QC
Some men want to watch YouTube then share with the world their experience of shame and nostalgia, and I am here for it 💕
I have also developed a habit of watching Let's Plays for comfort (namely PlayFrame) for maybe an hour each day. I felt seen by this post in every way.
I feel a twinge of shame in some part of my soul that the time could be better spent. But also, it feels so wholesome, and fills me with so much comfort. It feels unambiguously good outside of the fact that it is not "productive".
Qiaochu…Bellevue…Odle PRISM?
yep that's me!
That is so wild, some mental phantasm put the thought into my head to Google “Qiaochu” just as a random memory of a middle school classmate, then I saw there’s actually articles written about your “break with reality” and now I’ve found your sub stack. Love the content man.
"break from reality" huh. welp. thanks man!
next time, go watch some rants by luke smith instead. you don't even have to open youtube for that! videos.lukesmith.xyz he is very judgmental, but he gets a lot of stuff right, so i think you will like him.
don't be too hard on yourself. just stop sinning - it's difficult, but possible. so keep your heads up, mate i think you're on the right track. stay honest! i wish you all the best!
Life is pointless, but we only get one life - at least that we know of in this life - so before it's over we can either do a load of cool stuff or not do a load of cool stuff. Goal-setting is a great way to make cool stuff happen. Another really effective tool, is just to do the next right thing. Right now, and at every moment, just make one good choice right now.